Monday, August 9, 2010

Who Else Will Get Hired?

Seeing as Jimmy Dolan felt it best to bring Isiah Thomas back to the Knicks, I thought it might be fun to brainstorm some possible re-hirings on the hockey side, and the positions they would be best suited for:

Brian Trottier - Stenographer - What with his exceptional ability to write things by hand, what better job for Trots than to take dictation in the front office?

Bobby Holik and Matt Cullen - Financial Advisors - Teach the players how to get the most out of their contracts before leaving town.

Mark Messier - Team Psychiatrist - Forget this GM-in-training stuff. Mess would be the perfect person for the players to speak to, to find out that it is ok to cry.

Tom Poti - Allergist - Who better? My boy Tom knows all about allergies. After all, he is allergic to peanuts, chocolate, fish, checking, playing defense, making smart passes, standing up for his teammates...

Perry Pearn - Assistant Coach - Bring him on for the penalty kill this time, since he boosted those numbers for the opposition every night the first time around.

Jeff Bloemberg - Team Pastor - The born-again Bloemberg could pacify the tortured souls of Sean Avery and Derek Boogaard.

Sandis Ozolinsh - Designated Driver.

John Ferguson Sr. - Fashion Consultant - Seeing as the culprit for those horrid Liberty jerseys isn't public knowledge (as far as I know), perhaps the Rangers should dig up Ferguson to design the coming third jersey. I may own and enjoy the 1978 Ranger sweater but there is no denying that screwing with the original Blueshirt was just wrong.

Colin Campbell - Disciplinarian - Hahahahaha.

Rico Fata - Power Skating Coach - Maybe good ole Rico could put a spring in the Boogeyman's step. And, luckily for him, Fata wouldn't have to teach Boogey how to stop as the big man will just run into the opposition!

Marek Malik - Game Night Staff (seasonal) - Someone has to scare the kids on Halloween.

Ryan Hollweg - Rangers City Dancer - Considering what Holly did in the locker room, imagine what he could do on a grand stage? And he wouldn't be sexually harassed like the old Ranger City Skater girls were!

Esa Tikkanen - Translator - There has never been a more cunning linguist in Ranger history.

Glen Sather - Head Janitor - Sather has proven quite adept at cleaning up many of his free agent messes, why not have him take care of those MSG bathrooms? Oh wait, You have to be leave at some point if you are to be re-hired? At this rate, the only thing he will be good for after he leaves is to stink up the opposition dressing room with his decomposing carcass.

And on that happy thought, I open the floor to you guys - who could/should be re-hired and in what position?


Schram said...

Torts-Anger management said...

A serious suggestion:

Kevin Weekes to replace Joe Michelleti.

Pete said...

Joey Kocur (Season Ticket Holder Relations) - "Next subscriber to complain is gonna get one right in the mush! You got it?"

Tim said...

Theo Fluery for Life Coach

David said...

Pavel Brendl: fitness/weight management.

@Tim: Hahahahaha

Andrea said...

Kevin Stevens: Team party planner.

Andrea said...

Tom Renney: Team philosopher. "By which I mean, an individual dispensed with the task of imparting sublime, yet often cliched, knowledge to the assembled athletes. Encouraging the balance of both the euphoria of the win with its grim flipside, the agony of defeat, to steal a hackneyed phrase. A mental mentor, if you will. These are good men. Strong men. But the as the season grinds along, we find ourselves like Achilles . . . " Z z z z z

Bobby T said...

Brian Leetch: dorsal knife wound suture technician