Rangers' Radio City Royal Rumble

Let's face it, the Rangers' coaching hunt and Friday's press conference unveiling Alain Vigneault was boring. It was the MSG ideal: corporate and clean. But what if the whole coaching selection process was, say, a more physical affair? What if Dolan pulled a Vince McMahon and went with a Royal Rumble to select the new bench boss for the Blueshirts? Here's how it could have went ...

FADE IN:

RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL

Fans clad in Ranger sweaters fill the seats of the historic hall and a wrestling ring occupies the stage. Blue carpeting runs down the aisles and up the stairs to the ring. A massive screen looms behind it and an announcers table with two chairs sits alongside. Sitting at the table are Sam Rosen and Joe Micheletti.

SAM ROSEN

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a Royal Rumble match. Now two superstars will begin in the ring. Every 90 seconds a new participant will enter the ring. Elimination occurs when they are thrown over the top rope and both feet touch the ground. This will continue until all 30 candidates have entered the match."

JOE MICHELETTI

"Excuse me Sam, 10 candidates. Glen's time is too valuable, he has a tee time to make."

SAM ROSEN

"Um, ok Joe. As I was saying, the last remaining candidate will be declared the winner and the new head coach of the New York Rangers!"

The lights flash, and music plays as the first participant walks down the aisle.

Mark Messier rolls into the ring to a thunderous ovation, with Micheletti walking over to hand him a microphone and a kleenex to dab the tears.

MARK MESSIER 

"I am just so touched you guys remember me, and I love this city. I will be a great replacement for John Tortorella, because I know how to intimidate others and play favourites. Thank you."

SAM ROSEN

"I love you Mark. Let's see who you will start off against."

Lindy Ruff heads down the aisle, with Darcy Regier a few steps behind him carrying a briefcase. Ruff stops for a moment to throw Ryan Miller under a bus, then gets in the ring. Regier sits down next to Sam, opens the case, pulls out some wings and the two go to town. Ruff looks over and asks what the deal is, so Regier laughs and says how he still has a job and just wants to enjoy the show.

The bell rings and Ruff and Messier begin circling. It appears that both are being blinded by the reflection of the lights off each other's foreheads so they each miss their attacks.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

   

Metallurg Magnitogorsk's Mike Keenan walks in, hugs Messier and the two team up on Ruff. They each grab one of Ruff's hands and try pulling in opposite directions but the burly former blueliner yanks his arms back and Keenan and Messier collide Three Stooges style. Ruff tries to get the crowd to chant "Brett Hull Sucks, Brett Hull Sucks" but Gary Bettman shushes him.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

   

Guy Boucher slowly makes his way to the stage, wearing an eye patch and cradling a cat in his arm that he slowly pets. Messier and Keenan roll around, trying to get themselves together while Ruff waves Boucher in. The former Tampa coach begins to tell everyone about SPECTRE's plans to blow up New York unless Dolan gives him $100 million and the coaching gig. Keenan gets up and giggles, because that's what the Russians are paying him.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds but there is a pause before ...

JOE MICHELETTI

"Pardon me Sam ..."

 

Micheletti gets up from the table, strips out of his suit and rolls into the ring.

SAM ROSEN

"Go get 'em Joe!" 

Micheletti goes right after Keenan, who he feels has upstaged him on several Ranger postgame reports. They swing each other back and forth against the ropes, going nowhere, like their commentary. Messier laughs at Boucher's plans for world domination and snaps his eyepatch before giving him a forearm shiver. Boucher drops his cat, and it runs over to Ruff and hisses at him. Ruff climbs up on the turnbuckle to get away.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

Clad in a classic Prada suit, Sean Avery shows up. The crowd goes wild but no one in the ring is happy to see him. They stop fighting each other to stare at him while he steps into the ring, takes his jacket off and delicately drapes it over the top rope. Avery turns around and unleashes a string of expletives about his opponents' significant others that makes Rosen blush. Boucher's cat comes over and Avery freaks out because he can't have fur on his designer pants.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

John Tortorella walks in with a pack of pooches and grabs Rosen's microphone from him.

JOHN TORTORELLA

"You didn't think I was going to go quietly, did you? And do you really think you can replace me? With this bunch? You're out of your !@$#ing mind."

Torts drops the mic, ties the leashes for the dogs to the corner of the ring and rolls under the ropes. Boucher's cat immediately runs away while Micheletti gets down on his knees before Torts and begs not to be yelled at. Torts ignores him as his eyes are locked on Avery, who has Ruff in a headlock and is giving nuggies. Boucher takes the opportunity to talk to Keenan about expanding his evil empire into Russia.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

   

Alain Vigneault saunters down the aisle with twin ginger Rockettes on each shoulder. Keenan uses the distraction to throw Boucher out of the ring and Torts kicks Micheletti in the face to clear the way to Avery. Avery drops Ruff like a bad habit and rushes at Torts. The two collide and fall to the floor. Meanwhile Vigneault still hasn't made it into the ring, as he is shaking everyone's hands and asking how their mothers are doing.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

With Michael Jordan and Bo Jackson flanking him, Wayne Gretzky walks in. Jordan and Jackson immediately go chat up Vigneault's Rockettes, while Gretz goes up to Messier. Micheletti tries to get in between so he can hug his old Edmonton teammate but Messier backhands him so hard Joe falls all the way out of the ring and through Sam's announce table. Avery and Torts are back up and exchanging haymakers.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

Dave Tippett enters, walks into the ring and proceeds to jump back out again, taking himself out. Don Maloney stops whispering in Sather's ear, collects Tippett and the two walk out of Radio City. Gretzky jumps out of the ring and tries to follow but Maloney says talk to the hand. Gretz tries to get back in the ring but he has been eliminated.

Avery and Torts are bloody messes but are still trading punches. Keenan goes to give Vigneault a hand to help him in the ring and Vigneault uses it to pull the '94 Cup coach out. Vigneault climbs in and a mad Messier comes over to glare. Avery and Torts are now rolling around on the floor, tearing at each other's clothes and they roll right out. Torts takes his dogs and heads to Vancouver, while Avery stands around, basking in the crowd's continual adoration. Vigneault and Messier start wrestling, and Messier clocks him with a fist full of Cup rings. Vigneault drops like a rock and Messier climbs the turnbuckle to launch himself at Vigneault, who rolls away at the last second. On the other side of the ring Ruff gets Avery's suit jacket off the ropes and tries to put it on, so Avery grabs Ruff by the legs and yanks him out of the ring.

Jim Nill appears out of nowhere and Vigneault an offer but Sather climbs in and hits the Dallas G.M. with a chair. Messier tried to use the moment to launch himself off the ropes at Vigneault but, again, Vigneault escaped at the last second. Unfortunately Mess' momentum carries him over the far ropes and out of the ring.

Ruff wakes Nill up and the two leave together, leaving Sather to celebrate with Vigneault.

SAM ROSEN

"Ladies and gentlemen, the new coach of the New York Rangers! Alain Vigneault!"

FADE OUT

16-14-3: Insanity

As the idiom goes, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Examples: the Ranger power play, constant line juggling, Roman Hamrlik receiving ice time, John Tortorella's coaching.

In addition to being an obvious egomaniac, the Rangers' bench boss has made a case for being called crazy as well.

Tortorella has yet to realize that he has a different team in front of him from last season and hasn't adjusted his outlook or his gameplan. As I said last week, he just keeps laying the whip hoping for a response. He's not getting one, but that isn't stopping him.

On the other bench on Thursday night was Paul MacLean. MacLean lost his best forward, defenseman and goaltender and yet has been able to adjust, turning his squad of foot soldiers into a cohesive unit that gets the job done with alarming regularity. And that is what they did last night, handily defeating the Rangers 3-0.

The Senators played a smart, tough team game and the Blueshirts couldn't match up. Ottawa clogged the middle, filled passing lanes and were stronger physically. Torts' response was to juggle his lines - his usual crutch - and, not-so-surprisingly, the decision didn't do a thing except seal the Rangers' fate.

Insanity.

Just a few Late Hits as this stuff getting old quick:

*Time for Marty Biron (or, preferably, Cam Talbot) to get some starts. Not only is Hank getting headaches, but he is not playing like himself. He is getting frustrated and taking stupid, senseless chances. He needs a break.

*Hank definitely needs some physical assistance from his teammates - as I've railed upon in the past, the King has been ran a number of times this year and no one has done anything about it. Dylan McIlrath can't grow up fast enough.

*If the bottom six aren't going to contribute offensively, they should contribute physically. They didn't. They can't be petrified of taking hard-hit penalties, especially when the rest of the roster takes dumber, lazier ones with infuriating regularity.

*What are the odds Zuke will be able to jump start Gabby? Thinking slim and none, as Gabby has been getting chances but he just can't bury them. As I tweeted, he's played 98:14 of power play ice time this season with just one goal.

*MacLean had his guys keep close check of Step and Nash and neither one was a factor whatsoever. Nash is a big power forward, he should be able to battle through tight checking like last night. He didn't, he attempted just one shot the entire night.

*Had Hagelin finished his opportunities, last night woulda been a bit different - the result may have been the same, but at least the Rangers wouldn't have given Bishop his second NHL nono.

*Cally's broken stick was only part of the problem on the Ottawa power play goal - Derek Stepan also erred. Step never closed with any of the Sens to try to force a mistake and was practically standing still by the time Benoit shot. That was after almost a full minute of the Rangers being trapped in their own end, after Step's shorthanded rush down the left wing resulted in soft., bad angle shot. He either should have changed or, after being trapped for so long, lunged at someone to either force a turnover or a bad shot.

*Is it any wonder Iggy didn't want anything to do with this franchise?

*PHW Three Stars:
3-Erik Contra - no points.
2-Mika Zibanejad - two assists.
1-Ben Bishop - 24 saves.

Scotty Hockey Three Stars:
3-Methot/Phillips - Ottawa's top pair had far more success than the Blueshirts' blueliners.
2-Zibanejad - Clearly the extra time in the minors paid off for the smart, good skating Swede.
1-Chris Neil - Neil was his usual acerbic self and it paid off. Not to mention his quick recovery from injury ...

8-6-1: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Two teams stepped onto the MSG ice last night. One was playing on their home ice, carrying a 4-0-1 streak after a day off. The other had a 4-0 streak, playing less than 24 hours after a physical win in Carolina. Neither team played particularly well, but one appeared utterly exhausted and lifeless. Yep that one was the Rangers.

The Blueshirts sleepskated through one of the dullest affairs in recent history, a boring game largely devoid of displays of skill or physicality. For two Original Six teams, there was no sign of any rivalry in this one but - like the vast majority of their matches over the last 86 seasons - Montreal ended up on top. The Habs came from behind to beat the Hab-nots 3-1, helped by the one guy who played like he wanted to be there: Brandon Prust.

Pruster threw his body around, checking his former teammates and blocking their shots. He played at even strength, on the power play and (of course) shorthanded. And he had a big hand in the game-winning goal, making a brilliant backhanded pass across the slot to untouched rookie Alex Galchenyuk. It was a triumphant return for the former Ranger, as he showed his old team exactly what they were missing.

It is long past time to lament the loss of Sean Avery, who became persona non grata the second John Tortorella was mistakenly hired. The team went on without him and still had sparkplugs in Cally, Dubi, Fedotenko and Prust. Three of those four are now gone and their replacements on the roster could not get anything going last night. Pyatt was tightly checked, Miller was invisible and Asham was utterly ineffective (as per usual).

The Blueshirts have won most of their games this season because of their skill, not their grit - a reversal from last year. But when the Richard$ plays piss poorly, Gabby allows himself to be marginalized and Rick Nash doesn't even bother to show up, the grit guys have to pick up the slack and that did not happen. More of the current crew need to learn that "it's just pain" and play their hardest.

A few Late Hits:

*Maybe they should re-paint the red line green, because the Rangers concede passage into their own end every rush. Where is the forecheck?

*After being utterly delighted by a perfect power play goal on Sunday the man advantage regressed back to its utterly awful self. Normally a team down 2-1 in the third period that gets a power play would get a chance to tie things up. For the Rangers it only brought them two minutes closer to the final buzzer.

*Mentioned Pruster's pretty feed before but credit is due to Step's stellar set-up - he threaded the puck under the defenseman's stick right to Stralman for the slam dunk.

*The game-tying goal was thanks to Del Zaster. He allowed his man to get behind him and turned to watch the play. McD had to skate over to try to clear the Canadien from the crease and, timing being every thing, he screened Hank. DZ's utter lack of defensive ability strikes again.

*Boyle has come out of the gates strong the last two games but is still not a good hockey player. The majority of his hits don't achieve anything and he still avoids screening the goaltender.

*Had hoped to see more from Mashinter but he was shackled with Asham on his line so it is of little surprise he saw little ice time and was unable to do anything with it.

*PHW Three Stars:
3-Carl Hagelin - one assist.
2-Carey Price - 24 saves.
1-Alex Galchenyuk - one goal.

Scotty Hockey Three Stars:
3-Step - The kid is picking up some of the slack as Richard$ skates around collecting his paycheque.
2-Galchenyuk - Young American clearly has a bright future ahead of him.
1-Prust - He had a point to prove and he did just that. 

Monday Meanderings

We're getting close folks, can you feel it? The humidity in New York has slightly improved and a cool breeze is sweeping across the streets. Not long before we can feel the rush of artificially chilled air as we walk into Madison Square Garden.

As I sit hear enjoying my second favourite sport with some Prem football in HD on ESPN2, I figured I would talk a little about No. 1 hockey.

*First off, individual Ranger tickets will go on-sale on Saturday, September 12th at 10:00 am through the usual outlets. For those of you season subscribers, our tickets can be picked-up beginning Wednesday, September 2nd at 9:00 am.

*In addition to sending out that info this afternoon, the Rangers also released their *official* roster for Traverse City. Still no word on if the games will be televised but it would be folly for the NHL Network not to offer up coverage. I don't know about you but I've seen Pens/Caps 18 times already this summer.

*Speaking of folly and hockey, how about this Direct TV/Versus battle? How ridiculous would it be for the NHL to lose their primary national network because Comcast plays hardball with DTV? Times like this I am glad I have Cablevision, but only in times like this.

*I don't have any game-worn hockey jerseys but I'd imagine if I did - unless it was some kind of special jersey (like a 9-11 Rangers or a signed superstar like Hank) - that I would wear it. I have looked into the game worn market quite a bit this summer and it seems that most folks don't wear them. What about you?

*Zip is reporting that the Rangers are again interested in acquiring Mats Sundin. I'm not so sure that's a good idea. On one hand, Sundin on the power play with Gaborik will ensure that our special team doesn't suck as bad as it did last season. On the other hand it doesn't inspire confidence in either Brandon Dubinsky or Arty Anisimov. With double-A's play with us last season didn't inspire much of anything in me, I do think he has reached that make or break stage and deserves a shot.

*The New York Rangers Blog tracked down a story that the Blueshirts are looking to bring in another blueliner ... again. First it was Anton Babchuk, now Dennis Seidenberg. Mind you, both were part of a defensive corps that was said to be Carolina's Achilles heel and mind you that the Rangers have a half dozen young players trying to make the jump to Broadway. Is Sather hedging his bets, does he have no faith in the kids, or does he feel that he has to sign "every piece of garbage on the market"?? Idiot McGrath.

*If you are trying to plan your Christmas shopping this year, I recommend the book 100 Ranger Greats. It isn't out until the end of next month but I luckily got a preview copy. I will give a more detailed review at a later date but it will definitely be good for debate. They have a blog up here where they have the daily "This date in Rangers history" - well worth adding to your daily viewing.

*While I am shamelessly whoring stuff, MSG.com has kept busy this summer with a bunch of photo slide shows. Of course Handsome Hank has a gallery, as does the camera-loving Avery but they also have the "Bad Boys" of hockey.

*Blair Betts still doesn't have a team for this season as Edmonton has immersed in money troubles (where have we heard that before?). If he can't have a reunion with Renney, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if New Jersey picks him up. Bettsy would be a good, cheaper version of John Madden, who headed to Chicago. That would suck, Shanny and Bettsy across the river playing for those clowns.

*As for another ex-player favourite of mine, anyone else excited to see Jed's return with the Sharks on October 19th? It will be his first game since Game 6 against Buffalo. Then again, I am almost as excited for the first preseason game against Boston on September 15th ...

*Keeping with Boston - they are keeping the Winter Classic rink up after New Years in Fenway and are planning on having a BU/BC showdown on it on Friday, January 8th. It just so happens that the Rangers play the Bruins the next day. Can you say road trip?

*Getting back to the top, the Liverpool match I'm watching was preceded by a moving rendition of "You'll Never Walk Alone", which is simply awesome. It is a shame there is no singing of any sort at hockey games (Potvin Sucks doesn't count).

*A bigger shame is that hockey broadcasts are so much worse then football. Listening to this match has been a delight because you can actually hear the match! What a concept! No droning on by Al Micheletti, spouting off incorrect facts and analysis. No awkward banter. Just the facts. And the announcer mics aren't much louder than the nat sound from the stadium. You get an actual feel for what the live experience is like and hockey is best experienced live. Letting the broadcast breathe is a good thing, and something MSG - and the rest of the U.S. NHL broadcasters - would be smart to learn.

Midwinter Break Day 4

Its only Thursday and I can't take this week off nonsense. I mean, its nice that there is still good hockey to watch - I enjoyed Dallas/Phoenix on Monday - but its not the same as the Rangers. And I apologize to all of my readers, I know there is nothing worse than going to a site and seeing the same content. But without the Blueshirts, I've had to focus on real work, which is good because real work pays money, and money pays for Rangers tickets and my European vacation this fall. And that will likely mean good coverage of games that you won't see anywhere else ... don't worry, this isn't the first time I pimped this blog and it won't be the last.

So as I go a little stir crazy, here is something to help tide things over until Saturday - something I promised back in December - the Scotty Hockey 2010 -2 Canadian Olympic Team:

Offense:
Dany Heatley-Sidney Crosby-Jarome Iginla
Rick Nash-Joe Thornton-Ryan Getzlaf
Jon Toews-Vinny Lecavalier-Marty St. Louis
Brendan Morrow-Jason Arnott-Eric Staal
Defense:
Chris Pronger-Dion Phaneuf
Wade Redden-Jay Buowmeester
Duncan Keith-Kris Letang
Goalies:
Roberto Luongo
JS Giguere
Carey Price

For some reference, here is the 2006 team that went to Torino. I had to do some jockeying - there are a lot of super-high quality centers but I think these end up being balanced, exciting lines.

Some names were left out - Jason Spezza (one of my favourite players) being one of them, Marty Brodeur another (man do I hope he will be retired by then) and even Sam Gagner being another (in two years he will be a STUD) - but Canada has an embarrassment of riches and, with the games being played in the smaller NHL-sized rinks, they are sure to go big with a checking line.

On that checking line I have Stars captain Morrow, who is gritty and good on both ends of the rink, Arnott, who is huge but will be a little old by 2010 and Staal, who is learning how to be a solid, well rounded players by one of the best (and one of the most underrated), Rod Brind'Amour. The three scoring lines pretty much speak for themselves: Cindy, Killer Heatley and Iggy are three of the top five players in the NHL. Nash and Thornton worked magic together in Davos and Getzlaf is probably going to turn into a better version of Cam Neely (one of my favourite players) only as a center. Vinny and Marty are the crutch that holds Tampa Bay up and Toews would be rookie of the year if he didn't get hurt. He is easily the best Blackhawk since Jeremy Roenick and two more years will turn him into a superstar.

On defense Pronger, Phaneuf and Redden are three of the best in the game today, Buowmeester would be great if he wasn't on Florida, Letang and Keith are the future. In two years they will have the NHL game down and should dominate; Letang very well may be the Paul Coffey to Cindy's Gretzky. Damn I hate her.

In net are Luongo, Jiggy and Price. I have Price there only because the third spot rarely sees action and is there more for the experience. Should the NHL return to the Olympics in Russia in 2014, then he would be very, very important to that squad. Luongo and Jiggy are simply two of the best goaltenders in the league. I gotta mention it again, but I do hope that Maaaaarrrrrty will have retired by 2010. Otherwise toss out Jiggy and hand the starting gig to Maaaaarrrrrty because he is one of the top three goaltenders of all time. Yes, that really, really, really hurt me to type that - and not because of my bum wrist. He is good. Ok? I admitted it. And he may very well lead Canada to victory in 2010, in front of a home crowd.

But I sure as hell hope not ...