Rangers' Radio City Royal Rumble

Let's face it, the Rangers' coaching hunt and Friday's press conference unveiling Alain Vigneault was boring. It was the MSG ideal: corporate and clean. But what if the whole coaching selection process was, say, a more physical affair? What if Dolan pulled a Vince McMahon and went with a Royal Rumble to select the new bench boss for the Blueshirts? Here's how it could have went ...

FADE IN:

RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL

Fans clad in Ranger sweaters fill the seats of the historic hall and a wrestling ring occupies the stage. Blue carpeting runs down the aisles and up the stairs to the ring. A massive screen looms behind it and an announcers table with two chairs sits alongside. Sitting at the table are Sam Rosen and Joe Micheletti.

SAM ROSEN

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a Royal Rumble match. Now two superstars will begin in the ring. Every 90 seconds a new participant will enter the ring. Elimination occurs when they are thrown over the top rope and both feet touch the ground. This will continue until all 30 candidates have entered the match."

JOE MICHELETTI

"Excuse me Sam, 10 candidates. Glen's time is too valuable, he has a tee time to make."

SAM ROSEN

"Um, ok Joe. As I was saying, the last remaining candidate will be declared the winner and the new head coach of the New York Rangers!"

The lights flash, and music plays as the first participant walks down the aisle.

Mark Messier rolls into the ring to a thunderous ovation, with Micheletti walking over to hand him a microphone and a kleenex to dab the tears.

MARK MESSIER 

"I am just so touched you guys remember me, and I love this city. I will be a great replacement for John Tortorella, because I know how to intimidate others and play favourites. Thank you."

SAM ROSEN

"I love you Mark. Let's see who you will start off against."

Lindy Ruff heads down the aisle, with Darcy Regier a few steps behind him carrying a briefcase. Ruff stops for a moment to throw Ryan Miller under a bus, then gets in the ring. Regier sits down next to Sam, opens the case, pulls out some wings and the two go to town. Ruff looks over and asks what the deal is, so Regier laughs and says how he still has a job and just wants to enjoy the show.

The bell rings and Ruff and Messier begin circling. It appears that both are being blinded by the reflection of the lights off each other's foreheads so they each miss their attacks.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

   

Metallurg Magnitogorsk's Mike Keenan walks in, hugs Messier and the two team up on Ruff. They each grab one of Ruff's hands and try pulling in opposite directions but the burly former blueliner yanks his arms back and Keenan and Messier collide Three Stooges style. Ruff tries to get the crowd to chant "Brett Hull Sucks, Brett Hull Sucks" but Gary Bettman shushes him.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

   

Guy Boucher slowly makes his way to the stage, wearing an eye patch and cradling a cat in his arm that he slowly pets. Messier and Keenan roll around, trying to get themselves together while Ruff waves Boucher in. The former Tampa coach begins to tell everyone about SPECTRE's plans to blow up New York unless Dolan gives him $100 million and the coaching gig. Keenan gets up and giggles, because that's what the Russians are paying him.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds but there is a pause before ...

JOE MICHELETTI

"Pardon me Sam ..."

 

Micheletti gets up from the table, strips out of his suit and rolls into the ring.

SAM ROSEN

"Go get 'em Joe!" 

Micheletti goes right after Keenan, who he feels has upstaged him on several Ranger postgame reports. They swing each other back and forth against the ropes, going nowhere, like their commentary. Messier laughs at Boucher's plans for world domination and snaps his eyepatch before giving him a forearm shiver. Boucher drops his cat, and it runs over to Ruff and hisses at him. Ruff climbs up on the turnbuckle to get away.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

Clad in a classic Prada suit, Sean Avery shows up. The crowd goes wild but no one in the ring is happy to see him. They stop fighting each other to stare at him while he steps into the ring, takes his jacket off and delicately drapes it over the top rope. Avery turns around and unleashes a string of expletives about his opponents' significant others that makes Rosen blush. Boucher's cat comes over and Avery freaks out because he can't have fur on his designer pants.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

John Tortorella walks in with a pack of pooches and grabs Rosen's microphone from him.

JOHN TORTORELLA

"You didn't think I was going to go quietly, did you? And do you really think you can replace me? With this bunch? You're out of your !@$#ing mind."

Torts drops the mic, ties the leashes for the dogs to the corner of the ring and rolls under the ropes. Boucher's cat immediately runs away while Micheletti gets down on his knees before Torts and begs not to be yelled at. Torts ignores him as his eyes are locked on Avery, who has Ruff in a headlock and is giving nuggies. Boucher takes the opportunity to talk to Keenan about expanding his evil empire into Russia.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

   

Alain Vigneault saunters down the aisle with twin ginger Rockettes on each shoulder. Keenan uses the distraction to throw Boucher out of the ring and Torts kicks Micheletti in the face to clear the way to Avery. Avery drops Ruff like a bad habit and rushes at Torts. The two collide and fall to the floor. Meanwhile Vigneault still hasn't made it into the ring, as he is shaking everyone's hands and asking how their mothers are doing.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

With Michael Jordan and Bo Jackson flanking him, Wayne Gretzky walks in. Jordan and Jackson immediately go chat up Vigneault's Rockettes, while Gretz goes up to Messier. Micheletti tries to get in between so he can hug his old Edmonton teammate but Messier backhands him so hard Joe falls all the way out of the ring and through Sam's announce table. Avery and Torts are back up and exchanging haymakers.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

Dave Tippett enters, walks into the ring and proceeds to jump back out again, taking himself out. Don Maloney stops whispering in Sather's ear, collects Tippett and the two walk out of Radio City. Gretzky jumps out of the ring and tries to follow but Maloney says talk to the hand. Gretz tries to get back in the ring but he has been eliminated.

Avery and Torts are bloody messes but are still trading punches. Keenan goes to give Vigneault a hand to help him in the ring and Vigneault uses it to pull the '94 Cup coach out. Vigneault climbs in and a mad Messier comes over to glare. Avery and Torts are now rolling around on the floor, tearing at each other's clothes and they roll right out. Torts takes his dogs and heads to Vancouver, while Avery stands around, basking in the crowd's continual adoration. Vigneault and Messier start wrestling, and Messier clocks him with a fist full of Cup rings. Vigneault drops like a rock and Messier climbs the turnbuckle to launch himself at Vigneault, who rolls away at the last second. On the other side of the ring Ruff gets Avery's suit jacket off the ropes and tries to put it on, so Avery grabs Ruff by the legs and yanks him out of the ring.

Jim Nill appears out of nowhere and Vigneault an offer but Sather climbs in and hits the Dallas G.M. with a chair. Messier tried to use the moment to launch himself off the ropes at Vigneault but, again, Vigneault escaped at the last second. Unfortunately Mess' momentum carries him over the far ropes and out of the ring.

Ruff wakes Nill up and the two leave together, leaving Sather to celebrate with Vigneault.

SAM ROSEN

"Ladies and gentlemen, the new coach of the New York Rangers! Alain Vigneault!"

FADE OUT

Some Sunday Musings

Just a few random thoughts as I still struggle to accept that the Rangers won't be playing tonight:

*Still squarely place much of the blame for the end of the season on Tortorella. The lack of chemistry, the lack of offensive imagination, the overuse of certain players, the misguided accountability, the fire and brimstone intimidation act, the Avery alienation ...

*Wonder which players will have surgery this summer. The news should come out on break-up day tomorrow but my money is on Prust (shoulder) and Hank (knee). Bet Boyle pulls a Staal and admits he is still concussed, Dubi that his foot is still broken and Girardi that he needs replacement parts. G has to be a cyborg, the way he blocked shots, and his kid is too cute not to be manufactured in some plant somewhere.

*Really feel bad for the Sauer family. Kent was a draftee of the Nashville Predators who was forced to retire due to knee problems, Craig played in the NFL until a foot injury forced him into retirement, Kurt, the Coyote, hasn't retired but hasn't played since he was concussed in 2009 and Mike, well, no news in this case is likely bad news. Really hope to see him step on the Garden ice again, but it's probably best not to get any hopes up.

*Friend of the blog Karol pointed out that despite Zuke's denial that he is going to the KHL, the Russians have already announced his signing. Metallurg, the team the Rangers beat in the Victoria Cup a few years back, already features another former Blueshirt in Enver Lisin ... Really hope the kid gets a real shot to stick in the NHL, as long as it isn't with the Pens or the Isles (both great fits for him).

*Please someone, anyone, sign Del Zaster to a offer sheet and have the Rangers refuse to match. Pretty please. With a cherry on top.

*The Hockey News had Stefan Matteau, son of youknowwho, ranked 30th in their draft issue. Wouldn't that be something if the Blueshirts drafted him? Especially now?

*We have two more seasons of Mike Rupp. Think about that before begging Sather to start signing people this summer.

*For season subscribers like myself who asked for upgrades/downgrades, I was told that they will be setting appointments over the next month to have us come in and select our new seats. It will be in that 'transformation' room where Cosby's used to be.

*Go Kings Go. Been a big fan of Willie Mitchell since his Wild days and hope he sticks it to the franchise that drafted him.

Monday Meanderings

We're getting close folks, can you feel it? The humidity in New York has slightly improved and a cool breeze is sweeping across the streets. Not long before we can feel the rush of artificially chilled air as we walk into Madison Square Garden.

As I sit hear enjoying my second favourite sport with some Prem football in HD on ESPN2, I figured I would talk a little about No. 1 hockey.

*First off, individual Ranger tickets will go on-sale on Saturday, September 12th at 10:00 am through the usual outlets. For those of you season subscribers, our tickets can be picked-up beginning Wednesday, September 2nd at 9:00 am.

*In addition to sending out that info this afternoon, the Rangers also released their *official* roster for Traverse City. Still no word on if the games will be televised but it would be folly for the NHL Network not to offer up coverage. I don't know about you but I've seen Pens/Caps 18 times already this summer.

*Speaking of folly and hockey, how about this Direct TV/Versus battle? How ridiculous would it be for the NHL to lose their primary national network because Comcast plays hardball with DTV? Times like this I am glad I have Cablevision, but only in times like this.

*I don't have any game-worn hockey jerseys but I'd imagine if I did - unless it was some kind of special jersey (like a 9-11 Rangers or a signed superstar like Hank) - that I would wear it. I have looked into the game worn market quite a bit this summer and it seems that most folks don't wear them. What about you?

*Zip is reporting that the Rangers are again interested in acquiring Mats Sundin. I'm not so sure that's a good idea. On one hand, Sundin on the power play with Gaborik will ensure that our special team doesn't suck as bad as it did last season. On the other hand it doesn't inspire confidence in either Brandon Dubinsky or Arty Anisimov. With double-A's play with us last season didn't inspire much of anything in me, I do think he has reached that make or break stage and deserves a shot.

*The New York Rangers Blog tracked down a story that the Blueshirts are looking to bring in another blueliner ... again. First it was Anton Babchuk, now Dennis Seidenberg. Mind you, both were part of a defensive corps that was said to be Carolina's Achilles heel and mind you that the Rangers have a half dozen young players trying to make the jump to Broadway. Is Sather hedging his bets, does he have no faith in the kids, or does he feel that he has to sign "every piece of garbage on the market"?? Idiot McGrath.

*If you are trying to plan your Christmas shopping this year, I recommend the book 100 Ranger Greats. It isn't out until the end of next month but I luckily got a preview copy. I will give a more detailed review at a later date but it will definitely be good for debate. They have a blog up here where they have the daily "This date in Rangers history" - well worth adding to your daily viewing.

*While I am shamelessly whoring stuff, MSG.com has kept busy this summer with a bunch of photo slide shows. Of course Handsome Hank has a gallery, as does the camera-loving Avery but they also have the "Bad Boys" of hockey.

*Blair Betts still doesn't have a team for this season as Edmonton has immersed in money troubles (where have we heard that before?). If he can't have a reunion with Renney, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if New Jersey picks him up. Bettsy would be a good, cheaper version of John Madden, who headed to Chicago. That would suck, Shanny and Bettsy across the river playing for those clowns.

*As for another ex-player favourite of mine, anyone else excited to see Jed's return with the Sharks on October 19th? It will be his first game since Game 6 against Buffalo. Then again, I am almost as excited for the first preseason game against Boston on September 15th ...

*Keeping with Boston - they are keeping the Winter Classic rink up after New Years in Fenway and are planning on having a BU/BC showdown on it on Friday, January 8th. It just so happens that the Rangers play the Bruins the next day. Can you say road trip?

*Getting back to the top, the Liverpool match I'm watching was preceded by a moving rendition of "You'll Never Walk Alone", which is simply awesome. It is a shame there is no singing of any sort at hockey games (Potvin Sucks doesn't count).

*A bigger shame is that hockey broadcasts are so much worse then football. Listening to this match has been a delight because you can actually hear the match! What a concept! No droning on by Al Micheletti, spouting off incorrect facts and analysis. No awkward banter. Just the facts. And the announcer mics aren't much louder than the nat sound from the stadium. You get an actual feel for what the live experience is like and hockey is best experienced live. Letting the broadcast breathe is a good thing, and something MSG - and the rest of the U.S. NHL broadcasters - would be smart to learn.

Making Must-See TV

The NHL Network is rightly revered among us hockey fans but we've all seen its plethora of flaws. Last week Matt at View From My Seats wrote that "there's so much potential" and he is absolutely right. But, as was also mentioned in the piece, the league has cheaped out on the follow through and "the bottom line is that the league (and apparently Comcast) needs to spend some time and money to make the product better."

VFMS suggest an improved set and better personalities for On The Fly. While the set definitely needs expansion, the bland broadcasters are just fine with me. I don't want Sportscenter attitude and catch phrases. We love our humble, low-key hockey stars so why do we need to get all Stu Scott and put the puck up where momma keeps the cookie jar?

As for the rest of the programming, we agree in that it needs work. First off, there is no reason to play the same in-house promos 18 times an hour. It wouldn't take too much to make some vignettes promoting individual teams. Hell, make the teams themselves produce them. It was a nice change when they aired the 'Great Day For Hockey' spots for the Pens. Then they went away and we are right back to Chris Simpson imitating a bobble head doll as she interviews Jarome Iginla, Zdeno Chara climbing a mountain and Patrik Elias making the world a better place talking about the troubles in Belize (I still say he got that hepatitis from hanging out with Mmmmaaarrrtttyyy and his in-laws). The Cup raising spot remains my favourite commercial of all time but by the end of the playoffs last season I had to admit that I was sick of it. I'd hear that piano piece start and change the commercial. If the local scrap metal buyers can produce their own advertising on the cheap, the National Hockey League can too.

Now that I addressed the commercial breaks, how about some show ideas? I was actually considering putting together true show pitches but don't have the time and sadly feel they would fall upon deaf ears with the powers that be. I don't think they will with you guys so here are a few, with basic breakdowns. All can be done quite cost effectively by the way ... all names are negotiable:

*Home Ice Advantage: Virtually a travel show, this gives an inside look at each of the NHL's buildings (and beyond perhaps). Not only will you get a history lesson and guided tour by a player or personality, you would also get inside tips from season ticket holders - where the best food is, the best views, the minutia that makes each barn special. MLB Network has the Cathedrals Of The Game, and let's face it, hockey arenas provide a much bigger advantage for the home team than baseball does. So let's take a look how and why.

*The Locker Room: A look at everything that goes into getting on the ice. It would include a look the newest, coolest equipment out there. Sure there would be some product placement by league sponsors, but it could be done in an informative way - how to pick the stick curve that suits your shot? how should your skates fit? what should you look for in a helmet? And once you have that, what ways should you train? What kind of exercises should you do? Drills? If working at Sports Authority for years taught me anything, it's that most people don't have a clue.

*Puck Stuff: Like Sal's Puck Junk blog, it would cover memorabilia. While his site centers on cards, it could go even further with everything from board games to jerseys. The game-worn sweater market is huge, take a trip to the MeiGrey summer sale. Thousands of people go on YouTube to watch box-breaks for the newest Upper Deck line, so why not include something like that? Patrick Roy is said to be a huuuge card collector, have him give a tour of his set up. Get a tour of the manufacturing plants for some of this stuff. Press Pass TV did it with Mitchell & Ness and it was nerd-tastic.

*Ye Olde Hockey Pub: Writers, bloggers, former players ... this is where the personality should come out. A Best Damned Sports Show Period with the hockey (J.R.!) without much of the duchebaggery. Think the ramblings of your house league buddies meet the Hot Stove meet The Sports Reporters. Hell, even get John Saunders to host it. If he can handle Lupica, he surely can take care of Wyshynski. NHL Live was at its best when it was EJ with Donny Pucks for a reason - they know the game, they love the game and they deftly handled the topics of the day. Now add a few beers, a set that doesn't include the NHL Store's checkout girl picking at her thong and some strong personalities butting heads while playing rod hockey.

*International Match Of The Week: Well, this isn't really a program but why couldn't the NHL air a Swedish/Finnish/Swiss/Czech league game? (No Russians, not with the Ice Cold War going on.) Every once so rarely (too rarely) we are treated to junior or minor league matches, so why not see them play on the other side of the pond? As I saw in Switzerland and England (and read in Tropic of Hockey), there is a planet of pucks out there so let's see it. The NHL needs to realize that promoting the sport of hockey - even if it isn't their own games - can only be good for them in the long run.

What do you think? Would you tune in?

Killin' Time: Tuesday Night Edition

Henceforth this summer any posts of random observations/news will be called "Killin' Time" because, let's face it - that is all we are doing at this point of the year. There is some hockey news but no hockey games ... and that sucks. So, onto this evening's edition:

*The Rangers made Paul Mara's return official today. Andrew Hutchinson, meanwhile, is leaving Hartford for Tampa Bay, where he will be given a chance to replace some of the departed Dan Boyle's offense from the blueline. Hutch was stellar for the Pack and the Rangers were unable to give him a chance because of the idiotic return waivers that he would have had to pass through. Should Wade Redden stumble and fall - and I am fully expecting him to do just that - then letting Hutch go will have been a mighty mistake. The Rangers could have given him the one-way deal he wanted and signed Jason Smith (who went to Ottawa to replace Redden) instead of Mara and had more stability on the blueline, a better veteran presence in the locker room and a lot more cap room to spend on next summer's stellar crop of free agents.

*The Rangers also let another Hartford player go - Mitch Fritz. Mitch left for the Isles of all teams (traitor) after barely playing last season due to injury. Mitch was a big guy with a big heart and certainly one of the best hockey player bloggers. It would have been nice to see him healthy and playing for the Pack this season but, now that he has joined the enemy, he will just be another oversized goon in the Isles organization to boo.

*While making a mistake in letting Mitch go, the Rangers have possibly made another by bringing Mike Barnett on board as the Senior Advisor to the President and General Manager and Director of U.S. Amateur Scouting. The former agent to Wayne Gretzky did indeed set the ball rolling to respectability in Phoenix through good scouting, but he also made such stellar moves as trading away Daniel Briere and Daymond Langkow, trading for Mike Comrie and signing Oleg Kvasha and a way-past-his-prime Tony Amonte among others. Let's just hope that Glen Sather's signing only enhances the stellar work done by Gordie Clark and the Rangers scouts while doing nothing towards wheeling and dealing. And who knows what this guy is being paid? It surely isn't a pittance and that will come out of our season ticket money.

*Speaking of which, its mid-July, why haven't the Rangers sent out invoices yet? It is annoying not knowing how much next season is going to cost but it does have its good points - the money stays in our accounts longer earning interest for us, rather than the Rangers and the NHL schedule is coming out next week so we will know exactly what we will be paying for ...

*Say it ain't so Stu, say it ain't so! Stu Barnes is considering retiring from the NHL. Now Stu was one of those players who you didn't really know unless he was on your team, and if he was, you loved him. The veteran forward played more than 1,100 games for Dallas, Buffalo, Pittsburgh, Florida and Winnipeg. He caught my eye in a tiny little blurb in Newsday back when he was playing in the AHL after scoring a hat trick for Moncton (which I actually saved, as you can see laid over his rookie card on the right). He went on from there to have a solid career in the bigs that included two trips to the Finals but no Cup (damn that Brett Hull). A classy player to watch, he worked hard every shift and did all of the dirty work it takes to win games while even popping up to score a clutch goal or two. It is certainly sad to see the pool of former Jets grow ever smaller in the NHL, and I just wanted to wish him the best of luck should he indeed retire.

*On the topic of goodbyes, Chris Botta signed off from his Point Blank Islanders blog. The p.r. guru for the Isles decided to move on from the Mistake In The Mausoleum and is pretty much leaving behind his nice behind-the-scenes blog. Wherever he goes, whatever he does, he is leaving a solid legacy that included the Blog Box. Happy trails Chris, and know that no one could have made the Isles look good so don't consider your time there a failure.

*A quick return to the Rangers for a second, people are saying that the captain's C should go to Chris Drury next season - and he will likely get it - but here is a underrated candidate: Blair Betts. Bettsy sets a never-say-die standard that the young Rangers would look up to while letting Dru continue to work out of the spotlight he dreads so much.

I miss hockey. Is it September yet??

Big Loss, No Coverage, I Still Care

The Rangers, they lost.

Again.

But its only preseason right? I shouldn't be concerned that Henrik Lundqvist gave up four goals on 16 shots in a 6-1 loss to the Detroit Red Wings last night ... right??

I can't say if they were good or not as the game was not televised or even broadcast on radio. Radio! What the hell else could they be covering on the radio that is more important on a Tuesday night in Detroit without any football or basketball being played? And don't say the Tigers because let's face it, no one even cared when they won the World Series, they don't care now that they have come back to earth ...

So I can't say how well or poorly everyone played but rest assured and make sure you check back late Friday night or Saturday as I recap the Rangers/Islanders game (which they had better win and kick some ass). I won't be going as I do an annual walk for charity -- The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society -- but I will record the game and break it down for all of you ...