Rangers' Radio City Royal Rumble

Let's face it, the Rangers' coaching hunt and Friday's press conference unveiling Alain Vigneault was boring. It was the MSG ideal: corporate and clean. But what if the whole coaching selection process was, say, a more physical affair? What if Dolan pulled a Vince McMahon and went with a Royal Rumble to select the new bench boss for the Blueshirts? Here's how it could have went ...

FADE IN:

RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL

Fans clad in Ranger sweaters fill the seats of the historic hall and a wrestling ring occupies the stage. Blue carpeting runs down the aisles and up the stairs to the ring. A massive screen looms behind it and an announcers table with two chairs sits alongside. Sitting at the table are Sam Rosen and Joe Micheletti.

SAM ROSEN

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a Royal Rumble match. Now two superstars will begin in the ring. Every 90 seconds a new participant will enter the ring. Elimination occurs when they are thrown over the top rope and both feet touch the ground. This will continue until all 30 candidates have entered the match."

JOE MICHELETTI

"Excuse me Sam, 10 candidates. Glen's time is too valuable, he has a tee time to make."

SAM ROSEN

"Um, ok Joe. As I was saying, the last remaining candidate will be declared the winner and the new head coach of the New York Rangers!"

The lights flash, and music plays as the first participant walks down the aisle.

Mark Messier rolls into the ring to a thunderous ovation, with Micheletti walking over to hand him a microphone and a kleenex to dab the tears.

MARK MESSIER 

"I am just so touched you guys remember me, and I love this city. I will be a great replacement for John Tortorella, because I know how to intimidate others and play favourites. Thank you."

SAM ROSEN

"I love you Mark. Let's see who you will start off against."

Lindy Ruff heads down the aisle, with Darcy Regier a few steps behind him carrying a briefcase. Ruff stops for a moment to throw Ryan Miller under a bus, then gets in the ring. Regier sits down next to Sam, opens the case, pulls out some wings and the two go to town. Ruff looks over and asks what the deal is, so Regier laughs and says how he still has a job and just wants to enjoy the show.

The bell rings and Ruff and Messier begin circling. It appears that both are being blinded by the reflection of the lights off each other's foreheads so they each miss their attacks.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

   

Metallurg Magnitogorsk's Mike Keenan walks in, hugs Messier and the two team up on Ruff. They each grab one of Ruff's hands and try pulling in opposite directions but the burly former blueliner yanks his arms back and Keenan and Messier collide Three Stooges style. Ruff tries to get the crowd to chant "Brett Hull Sucks, Brett Hull Sucks" but Gary Bettman shushes him.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

   

Guy Boucher slowly makes his way to the stage, wearing an eye patch and cradling a cat in his arm that he slowly pets. Messier and Keenan roll around, trying to get themselves together while Ruff waves Boucher in. The former Tampa coach begins to tell everyone about SPECTRE's plans to blow up New York unless Dolan gives him $100 million and the coaching gig. Keenan gets up and giggles, because that's what the Russians are paying him.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds but there is a pause before ...

JOE MICHELETTI

"Pardon me Sam ..."

 

Micheletti gets up from the table, strips out of his suit and rolls into the ring.

SAM ROSEN

"Go get 'em Joe!" 

Micheletti goes right after Keenan, who he feels has upstaged him on several Ranger postgame reports. They swing each other back and forth against the ropes, going nowhere, like their commentary. Messier laughs at Boucher's plans for world domination and snaps his eyepatch before giving him a forearm shiver. Boucher drops his cat, and it runs over to Ruff and hisses at him. Ruff climbs up on the turnbuckle to get away.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

Clad in a classic Prada suit, Sean Avery shows up. The crowd goes wild but no one in the ring is happy to see him. They stop fighting each other to stare at him while he steps into the ring, takes his jacket off and delicately drapes it over the top rope. Avery turns around and unleashes a string of expletives about his opponents' significant others that makes Rosen blush. Boucher's cat comes over and Avery freaks out because he can't have fur on his designer pants.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

John Tortorella walks in with a pack of pooches and grabs Rosen's microphone from him.

JOHN TORTORELLA

"You didn't think I was going to go quietly, did you? And do you really think you can replace me? With this bunch? You're out of your !@$#ing mind."

Torts drops the mic, ties the leashes for the dogs to the corner of the ring and rolls under the ropes. Boucher's cat immediately runs away while Micheletti gets down on his knees before Torts and begs not to be yelled at. Torts ignores him as his eyes are locked on Avery, who has Ruff in a headlock and is giving nuggies. Boucher takes the opportunity to talk to Keenan about expanding his evil empire into Russia.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

   

Alain Vigneault saunters down the aisle with twin ginger Rockettes on each shoulder. Keenan uses the distraction to throw Boucher out of the ring and Torts kicks Micheletti in the face to clear the way to Avery. Avery drops Ruff like a bad habit and rushes at Torts. The two collide and fall to the floor. Meanwhile Vigneault still hasn't made it into the ring, as he is shaking everyone's hands and asking how their mothers are doing.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

With Michael Jordan and Bo Jackson flanking him, Wayne Gretzky walks in. Jordan and Jackson immediately go chat up Vigneault's Rockettes, while Gretz goes up to Messier. Micheletti tries to get in between so he can hug his old Edmonton teammate but Messier backhands him so hard Joe falls all the way out of the ring and through Sam's announce table. Avery and Torts are back up and exchanging haymakers.

On the massive screen a countdown occurs, running from 10 down to zero. A horn sounds and music begins to play:

Dave Tippett enters, walks into the ring and proceeds to jump back out again, taking himself out. Don Maloney stops whispering in Sather's ear, collects Tippett and the two walk out of Radio City. Gretzky jumps out of the ring and tries to follow but Maloney says talk to the hand. Gretz tries to get back in the ring but he has been eliminated.

Avery and Torts are bloody messes but are still trading punches. Keenan goes to give Vigneault a hand to help him in the ring and Vigneault uses it to pull the '94 Cup coach out. Vigneault climbs in and a mad Messier comes over to glare. Avery and Torts are now rolling around on the floor, tearing at each other's clothes and they roll right out. Torts takes his dogs and heads to Vancouver, while Avery stands around, basking in the crowd's continual adoration. Vigneault and Messier start wrestling, and Messier clocks him with a fist full of Cup rings. Vigneault drops like a rock and Messier climbs the turnbuckle to launch himself at Vigneault, who rolls away at the last second. On the other side of the ring Ruff gets Avery's suit jacket off the ropes and tries to put it on, so Avery grabs Ruff by the legs and yanks him out of the ring.

Jim Nill appears out of nowhere and Vigneault an offer but Sather climbs in and hits the Dallas G.M. with a chair. Messier tried to use the moment to launch himself off the ropes at Vigneault but, again, Vigneault escaped at the last second. Unfortunately Mess' momentum carries him over the far ropes and out of the ring.

Ruff wakes Nill up and the two leave together, leaving Sather to celebrate with Vigneault.

SAM ROSEN

"Ladies and gentlemen, the new coach of the New York Rangers! Alain Vigneault!"

FADE OUT