Monday, September 8, 2008

The Trial Of Brendan Shanahan

Hear ye, hear ye, will the First District Night Court of the Blogosphere please come to order!

The Honourable Harry T. Stone presiding.

Today we will hear the case of Brendan Shanahan v. New York Rangers. Mr. Shanahan will be represented by Mr. Scotty Hockey, while the Rangers will be defended by Mr. Glen Sather. The jury of New York Ranger fans will hear each of your arguments and decide the outcome of this case. Opening statements please.

Scotty Hockey: Ladies and gentlemen, I believe that my client, Mr. Shanahan has been disrespected by the defendant New York Rangers and seek to prove that, beyond the shadow of a doubt, they need to tender him a contract. Thank you.

Glen Sather: I feel that we, as an organization, have done nothing wrong, have no need to offer up a deal and will not do anything of the sort.

Judge: Alright gentlemen, I will begin hearing your arguments. The floor is yours Mr. Hockey.

SH: Thank you. I would like to submit into evidence Prosecutor's Item #1, the NHL Official Stats and Media Guide. Within it you will find the details of my clients famed NHL career. Take a listen to these numbers: 20 seasons played, three Stanley Cups won, 1471 points in 1667 games, including 120 in 160 for the defendants. And he got those while battling back from several major injuries that would have injured lesser players' careers.

GS: Your Honour, those numbers reflect the past, while we are an organization looking towards the future. Mr. Shanahan is 39 years old, there is no way he can duplicate those numbers now.

SH: I am just trying to present my client's history to show how much he has contributed in the past and the veteran leadership he can still provide.

Judge: I'll allow it. Want to see a magic trick?

GS: No, no I don't.

Judge: Yeah, I guess you see a disappearing act every day with all of that money you waste. Zing!

GS: Not funny your honour.

SH: [snickers] If it may please the court, I would like to summon a witness. Will Mr. Donald Brashear please take the stand ... Mr. Brashear, do you like the Rangers?

Donald Brashear: No.

SH: On the night of December 30th, 2006, what were you doing?

DB: Playing the Rangers.

SH: We knew that, I meant what were you doing during that game.

DB: The usual - hitting people, slashing, spearing, starting scrums after whistles. It's what I do.

SH: And what happened when my client, Mr. Shanahan, confronted you over your actions?

DB: He beat me up.

SH: Excuse me? Did you say that a 37 year old man beat you up?

DB: I'm not proud of it.

SH: Did you stop taking those aforementioned liberties? The hitting, slashing, spearing ...

DB: Yes.

GS: Your honour, if I may cross examine ... Mr. Brashear, the next time your played the Rangers, and every time since, did you continue to act the fool? I mean, did you continue to cause disarray on the ice by attacking skill players and starting confrontations?

DB: Of course, if I didn't, I wouldn't still be in NHL.

GS: I rest. If I may call my witness, Ms. Cindy Crosby to the stand? Ms. Crosby, when your Penguins beat the Rangers in five games last season, where was Mr. Shanahan?

Cindy Crosby: I don't know.

GS: She doesn't know. She DOESN'T KNOW! That is because Mr. Shanahan was invisible on the ice!!!

SH: Objection! Many of the Rangers were invisible in that series!

Judge: Sustained, prosecutor just present your case, don't make outrageous claims.

GS: Sorry your honour. I would now like to call Markus Naslund to the stand. Mr. Naslund, welcome to New York. Do you feel that you can still make an impact in the NHL?

Markus Naslund: I do. As you can see in that record book, I have played 14 seasons in the NHL and scored 823 points. I just got tired of Vancouver so I stopped playing as well.

GS: I find that hard to believe, as the captain of that team ...

MN: Hey, it's tough when your are the only scorer and opposing teams key in on you.

SH: If I may cross your honour? Mr. Naslund, you said you were the only scorer? Did you not play at times along the immensely talented Sedin twins?

MN: Well, yes but ...

SH: That is all, you may step down. Your Honour and members of the jury, Mr. Naslund scored 194 points over the last three seasons, had a plus/minus of -23 while playing in 245 regular season games. He also played in 12 playoff games and had just five points. My client, however, played in 222 games, had 189 points, was a plus +29 and did it while playing alongside several players less talented than the Sedins - Dawes, Callahan, Drury, Prucha ...

GS: But Naslund is younger and faster.

SH: And has never won a damn thing! Not to mention younger is meaningless when you signed the guy for just two years ...

Judge: [hanging gavel] Stop your bickering. You sound like Dan and Ms. Sullivan. Bailiff Bull, can you step in and separate these two? Geez. Once you two calm down you can offer up your closing arguments.

GS: It's my team and I can do whatever I want. Piss on old time hockey and piss on Shanahan. We don't need him, we have Mr. Naslund now. So suck on that Scotty.

SH: Ladies and gentlemen, the Detroit Red Wings won the Stanley Cup this year and on their roster was a certain Chris Chelios. Chelios, an elder statesman who had already won two Cups, didn't play every game and scored just 12 points. But he was there when his team needed him and he provided the guidance needed to get that team to the promised land. This isn't an either/or thing with Mr. Shanahan and Mr. Naslund. We are stuck with Mr. Naslund after the drunken spending spree of Mr. Sather this summer so he will get plenty of minutes on the ice. But his presence doesn't render Mr. Shanahan useless. He wants to play in New York and he will do it at a discount.

GS: Bah, I already picked up Patrick Rissmiller and Dan Fritsche to fill out the roster and be useless grinders! I don't need Shanahan!!!!

Judge: Mr. Sather!! You already closed! Another word and I will hold you in contempt of court!

GS: [stamps feet, chomps on cigar]

Judge: I thought so. So I leave it to you, Ranger fans of the jury, to deliberate and determine a verdict. Place it in the comments and we will determine the sentence at a later date.



Anonymous said...

We the jury find the following-

Because there is no existing contract, thus no binding agreement, between the Prosecutor and the Defendant, the Defendant, Mr. Sather, is to be found innocent of all charges. The Prosecutor, Mr. Brendan Shanahan, is in no way awarded a roster spot, and is hereby ordered to cease and desist all bitching and whining. The Defendant is further ordered to sign elsewhere or face certain retirement.

Anonymous said...

Err...the Prosecutor, rather, is ordered to sign elsewhere or face certain retirement.

We apologize for the confusion, Your Honor, we the Jury were smoking crack all morning.

Anonymous said...

We the jury find Mr. Sather has broken an oral contract (and is a jackass), after - for the second season - encouraging Mr. Shanahan to hang around until he tidies up his roster and sees where he can fit him in. Due to said promise of a contract after negotiations with other players were concluded, and due to the aforementioned jackass failing to live up to said promise while holding onto a ridiculous hope of signing Mats Sundin without any money, we the jury find Mr. Jackass Sather guilty of breach of promise, poor judgement, lack of respect and general idiocy, and thereby award Mr. Shanahan a 1 year $2 million contract.

Anonymous said...

"We the jury find that the plaintiff has indeed had a great career but should be happy to leave it on as good a note as he can. As evidenced by the testimony of Miss Crosby, the plaintiff was invisible as the defendant's team was eliminated from the playoffs. The defendant was justifiably upset with that result and worked to make the team quicker and more able to compete with Miss Crosby's team so that the Rangers might be able to beat them next year. While Mr. Sather may have left the plaintiff twisting in the wind, that is his right and, while the prosecutor is correct in saying it was not the classiest thing to do, was in no way unfair. The defendant, Mr. Glen Sather, is declared innocent."

Judge: "Thank you, members of the jury. As a penalty for wasting this court's time, I sentence Mr. Shanahan to retirement and award him with a job as an assistant coach should he choose to accept it."

Loser Domi said...

For some reason, the line where you're referred to as "Mr. Hockey" cracked me up.
/Just sayin'...

Brother P said...

Scotty that was great! Maybe my favorite blog that you have posted. As part of the jury of Ranger fans I want Shanny back. When he is healthy he scores goals. Its really that simple. Keep him around to play the power play and rip it.

Anonymous said...

Brother P, keep on drinkin the Kool Aid!

Scotty Hockey said...

Thanks you guys for playing along, it was fun to write and it appears the prosecution may prevail ... fingers crossed!!